By now, you’re certainly aware that something more important than the President of the United States’ State of the Union Address happened today: Apple introduced the iPad. And while there was a good deal of ego-stroking by Apple and paparazzi-style obsession from the blogosphere,¹ I figured I’d play the part of The Dissent — because I’m sure there is none of that going around.

But seriously.

My main problem with the iPad is that it seems to be a plus-sized iPhone rather than a shrunken MacBook. It’s an iPod touch that doesn’t fit in my pocket, but can’t replace my laptop. It’s basically a third thing that Apple expects me to buy; third to my MacBook in my backpack and my iPhone in my pants. It is, in short, not the product I want.

Let’s look at the typical hipster using the typical 13″ MacBook Pro in the typical San Francisco independent, organic, irony-laden coffee shop. He’s sitting there with his laptop, on which he has Safari (Firefox, if he’s slightly nerdy) open on Facebook; he’s got iChat open with his latest main squeeze; iTunes is playing his indie rock in his headphones; Mail is up because he’s supposed to be working; and he has Pages running for that term paper. We’ll call these functions The 95% — the stuff modern computers are used for 95% of the time.² The other 5% are silly things like Photoshop, Final Cut, Xcode, and Coda.

Sitting next to his MacBook and his fair-trade, non-fat latte is his iPhone. He uses his iPhone for the same things we all use it for: texting, email, internet, maps, games, music, videos, and occasionally making phone calls. Now, really, he can accomplish all these things on his computer. Texting is iChat for cell networks, and even phone calls can now be done through Skype, but he likes being able to access them without having to get out and fire up his laptop. The size is key here. If the iPhone was much bigger, it wouldn’t fit in his obnoxiously tight hipster jeans. The iPhone comes nowhere near to accomplishing The 95% — but why should it? It’s a computer that fits in your pants.

The iPad is something else. It can do The 95%. All the things Mr. Hipster is doing on his MacBook Pro can be done on the iPad, and apparently they can be done quite elegantly.³ But it can’t replace his MacBook. And not for lack of the 5%. He has no real need for Photoshop and doesn’t care what Xcode is. It can’t replace the MacBook because it requires one to sync with. He can’t backup his iPad or sync his iPhone without a “real” computer. He also doesn’t seem able to print his term paper or import his photos from his fancy camera without a “real” computer.⁴

The iPad gets so close to being able to do everything you really need it to, but it falls short. It isn’t like the iPhone where it’s expected to be NOT a computer. Why can’t the iPad be one? The price Apple has set on the iPad clearly shows that they don’t expect it to really compete with their MacBook line. I understand that the iPad is supposed to be NOT a laptop; what I don’t understand is why. I can carry my iPhone in my pocket and my iPad in my backpack. Why do I have to have a third, notably more expensive computer back home to tie everything together?

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the iPad is the correct metaphor and we’ll all be buying three big-ticket items from Apple. But it’s not the product I wanted. Disappointment’s a bitch.